Ah, what evil thoughts lie brooding within my brain! Have I yet died unto my failings? For what end has this person used my fears to make for his or herself a wayward mess to dote upon, perhaps even clean? Is it to my failings that I die? Or to someone elses, my grandfather's perhaps...
Something amiss, something assumed. I left the theater touched. Was it by the performance that I was touched, or something else? I closed my eyes and entered the theater of myself, my memory.

And now it is that I distrust even myself. I think evil thoughts, feel evil feelings, dream evil dreams, there is only one possible end in this. Death.

But what death? Death of a young or old woman? In so many ways I feel that I am an old woman. In so many ways I feel that I have been so lucky. If death come, be it swift and let me be well worthy of the death that will end the life I lived!

It isn't death now that troubles me, nor the thought of it. It is Time, Grandfather Time himself who has troubled me, and not that of Death and the Future, as doomed as it may be.
It is Memory, mistress to Time that now hangs heavy upon my brow. Looking, searching for fault, for pain, anger and hurt in Memory is much more difficult than allowing simple Time to take it's place, and as one gazes further inward, the more frustrating the memories become. Some may even be dreams.

Benedick: ...it is certain I am loved of all ladies, only you excepted; and I would I could find in my hard that I had not a hard heart, for truly I love none.
Beatrice: A dear happiness to women! They would else have been troubled with a pernicious suitor. I thank God and my cold blood I am of your humor for that. I had rather hear by dark bark at a crow than a man swear he loves me.
Benedick: God keep Your Ladyshihp still in that mind! So some gentleman or other shall scape a predestinate scratched face.
Beatrice: Scratching could not make it worse, an' twere such a face as yours were.
Benedick: Well, you are a rare parrot-teacher.
Beatrice: A bird fo my tongue is better than a beast of yours.
Benedick: I would my horse had the speed of your tongue and so good a continuer. ...

Fair is foul, this is my testimony: If I release my inhibitions, I will lose. I will be driven by my release and then I will lose my focus on all the other things in my life. I have to focus on Shakespeare, Theory, History, the play, the poems, the essays, Russian, German...I don't know what to do. It's all too much, but I have such passion for all of it. The songs, the compositions...my requiem...his tango. Piano, voice, guitar...the things I want to do, I spend my time rather wisely. Nothing I do is something I don't enjoy. But my problem is that I don't have time for all of it all the time, and if I spend my time with him..."releasing" my inhibitions, I allow the focus of my life to shift, and I cannot allow that now. I cannot allow that to happen. I have built my life, my entire life, for as long as I remember, dreaming dreams and living life as fully as I can (except for those times when demons found me) ...
The truth is, I feel that we went too far. We didn't, we really did only play by the rules, but I feel also that how DARE he insinuate that we would get boring without that journey toward a release of inhibition. Inhibition...what is it? Is it my conscience? Perhaps.
The truth is, I love him more deeply than anything else in my life, but I strive to show him who I am, be everything that I am capable and more because that way, and only that way is the way I show myself love, and through that I show him my love too. I just worry that he doesn't see it. He is content to see love the conventional way. Touch.
This has created a problem because I don't see anything the conventional way. In fact, I have made a point in my life not to look at things the conventional way. I have to change my whole theory of thought around if I am to do justice to this man. He is so amazing though...truly, truly amazing. So honest, so loving...so pure. It's impossible to explain how he can be so exciting and so pure at the same time.
I love things that complete one another. Peppermint coffee is hot and cold at the same time...peanut brittle is salty and sweet at the same time, I laugh at cynical jokes, I cry at beauty...Fair is foul, foul is fair...God is the beginning and the end, the alpha and the omega, the almighty-all powerful, yet He came and became powerless and died. I love music because it is both objective and subjective and will always be both. I love Don because I am a poet, he is a philosopher, I love him because he is a thinker, I am an artist; he is an amazing man in every way that I am not, and that brings me strength and life and hope. I can only marvel at that love.
Fair is foul, foul is fair.

Thunder Shakes the World and its place is faced with many jabberings.

The thing that gets me is all the people of the world who are anti-catholic. For all of their accusations, for all of the fingers that point at us saying, look at how vile and sinful the Catholic Church is...for all the times I've been the butt of a joke, the object of scrutiny, and judged for my faith, I have yet to go to church and hear a homily of hatred. I have yet to hear a sermon putting someone down. I have yet to hear a priest say that any group of people is damned.

It hurts me. It has always hurt me, that anyone would judge an entire group of people based on the examples of a few.

I suppose I am simply paying for the sins of my Catholic ancestors. They were wrong. Faced with crucades and inquisitions, myriads of people killed for no reason other than the hatred that was the catholic church. That was hundreds of years ago. Since then, to be catholic is to live in humility.

So damn me, world. Yes, world, I am addressing you. Judge me. Damn me. I've been the object of scrutiny all my life for my faith. I dare you.

I have done no one wrong. I have lived my life to honor Jesus Christ, to spread His love. I have never sought to be anything other than an instrument of His peace. I have tried to bring love where there is hatred, I have tried to bring forgiveness where there is hurt, I have tried to bring light where there is darkness, faith where there is doubt. Comfort where there are tears...
But they judge me anyway.

That is life. Just because I face hatred in this world does not mean I will give up my faith or cease to live my life as I have. I am His and His alone.

Fair is foul. Foul is fair.