Losing it

Heavy sigh. My best friend lives in California, which, for me, is light years away. I don't have the money to visit her, and she doesn't have the money to visit me either, but she was planning a trip anyway, but then her car broke down and so now she can't come because the money she was going to spend on the trip she had to spend on her car. We're both leaving for college very soon. I'm really bummed out, but on the other hand I can't help but think of how much I love her and miss her and then, I figure if she's half as stressed out about leaving home, she's probably tired and crabby and irratable
I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't sleep at night anymore. I can't. I can't shut my tired eyes. I can't move...and then I sleep during the day to catch up. But I never dream. I wake up every couple of hours before REM sleep happens, which is very unhealthy. Last night I was up til 4 Am...because lately it seems that during the day it is hot, and at night there is lighteningstorms early in the morning. But they aren't loud, just bright flashes of silver light, and then I can never sleep until they are over. They start at 3 am or 4. I generally can't make myself eat after 11, and I sleep during the day until at least noon. I feel like I'm missing out on my family somehow. I'm leaving them. I'm leaving literally everything I've ever known. Where I'm going, I won't know anyone, or anything. Except what I already know about the place. I picked this particular college because it was a good distance away from home because I wanted to know what it would be like to have some independence. The independence will be wonderful. But the missing my family, somehow I overlooked in my college search. Sigh. I'm ready. I'm ready for this. I've been building all my life up to this moment.
Except the fact that Dad told me that senior year...the summer after senior year of high school is the most fun summer because you don't yet know what it is to be a poor college student. However, the way I spend my money, or rather...the way I SAVE my money because of the parent's constant badgerings, I would dare to argue with him that I DO know how it feels to be a poor college student. Of course they would just roll their eyes and say "You have no idea" but then I look at some other kids. The ones who get to eat out once or twice a week, the ones who could always do everything and be in every activity they ever wanted, the ones who always had the coolest toys and the coolest clothes. I never had that. I will never experience having that. Because even if I grow one day to have alot of money, I won't eat out twice a week. I won't enroll in every exercize class or bridge club. I won't buy cool toys or gadgets, I won't become the sort of person who cares about fashion. Because that's not me. That will never be me.
Don't even get me started about how much I hate shopping. Like for clothes. Ugh!
If I had money, like alot of money, I don't know what I would do. I'd first have to help my parents get their feet on the ground financially, because it's always what they've always wanted I guess. It is so rediculous how they fight over money. It's so rediculous how they make one another feel, when, in truth, we have alot of very nice things. Of course, my father believes that you should never buy anything unless it is supposed to last. But the problem with that of course is that technology is changing so fast. CDs are going out, MP3 disks are coming in. Tapes are a thing of the past, now DVDs are even giving way to newer forms of technology.
Computers are changing really fast too. As soon as you buy a new computer, there are already viruses out to get it, and you then get virus software which also gets outdated every month or so. It is the way of the world. Out with the old in with the new.
But I was talking about my friend, my life....
And now I'm annoyed. Because it is always the blogs that people focus on themselves so much that nobody ever pays any attention to unless they know the person. I know that, when I die, my journals (and there are many) will never be published because they are so boring. I mean, it's all about me and my life and my problems and my friends and my thoughts. And only someone who needs to get a life wants to read about someone elses. Nobody really cares what I think about so-and-so. Nobody really cares about what I did today. Or what my middle name is. Or any of it. Except me. I care. I care alot. Kristen cares. But Kristen, you see, she is starting to fade. She's always so crabby because she doesn't eat or sleep the way people should. She doesn't have any energy anymore. She doesn't have anything to do. It's like our life was put on hold until college. She cares what I do, but how much does she care about other people? I suppose she should care more. I should just tell her "Kristen, you need to be more caring." And I wonder if she'll listen. What does one occupy oneself with from 12:00am to 4? As for Kristen and I, we blog and talk to each other (quietly) and sometimes we go on MSN. We both need some encouragement and neither of us have the energy to give it to one another.
And we worry too much these days what people think of us. It's like, part of me thinks that people should be like, treating me extra nice before I'm gone. But then that's self-centered. And I'm not the easiest person to be around these days. Especially because I'm sleeping all the time.
I always think, today will be the day that I will stay up all night...into tomorrow. I'll be up, and I'll finally be able to fall asleep at about 11 and stay that way for a while. But no.
This morning I had a small success of a breakthrough. I was up at 9. So I got 4 hours of sleep, instead of my normal 12. 12 hours is too much sleep. But then I slept tonight from 9 to 11. Making it 6 hours...but now I'm up again. I'll be up for some time. Who knows.

I am sad. Kristen is sad too. Maybe it isn't attention that she needs. I think it's credit for what she did. But then what is it that she should have credit for? Getting this group of friends together? Starting the 'party' life? And now, some of these people, my dear friends that I'm leaving, I don't feel that bad about. And it makes me feel guilty that I don't think I'll miss them. That's why Kristen's a mess too. I think. And then I feel like, all the friendships that I have don't mean as much anymore. I mean, surely, some of them do, but some of them just don't really do that much for me anymore. And it scares me. It scares me to death losing some of the people that I love so much...my closest friends and family. But I'm supposed to move on now. And they're supposed to stay.