I'm not capable of this anymore. I simply cannot continue to be the way I am. I feel at some times so happy, yet at others, so unhappy. It is tempting for me, stoic-faced to tell myself that "that's life" and that dealing with happiness and unhappiness is a part of it. But at the same time, I feel that there is the one who, having been gone, has returned and is, like me, mingling happiness and unahappiness, but perhaps doesn't think of things the best way. One must allow onesself to heal from psychological trauma, not constantly wallowing in one's suffering.
At the same time, there is the one that was here and is leaving. This is the one that all too often is the cause of my happiness and of my unhappiness. I fear being lied to again more than anything. I feel that it is wrong of me to give this person anymore leeway. It is wrong of me to be so understanding, so justifying. It is wrong of me to allow this person not to treat me the way, someone said, I deserve to be treated. I deserve to know where this person is, I deserve to know how they feel and what they are thinking. I deserve loving attention and I deserve a person who doesn't constantly cause me grief in one way or another.

At the same time though, I feel selfish in asking for this attention that according to a friend, I deserve. There are deeper things involved here than my happiness or unhappiness. There are bigger things in this world than the offense I feel when I am blown off or not cared about. There is more than the simple fact that to some people, I don't matter...and never will.

Every person thinks of themselves as number one.

I knew going into this thing that it would not be easy to be a part of. But then, one reaps what one sows. If I give this person enough attention...if I love this person enough...someday things will be alright between us. And the "alrightness" will mean more to us than it does to most people. How much sweeter will the contentment be that was fought for?

Much.