Latest updates? Nah. I'll just tell you the story of a person who was a Druid. This particular Druid made certain that all the other druids were jealous by being the best druid of them all. Does this make the Druid a bad person? His modivation for being what he could be was not the best kind of modivation, but it was modivation.

In a different light, I'd like to say that I don't know just how fair foul is or how foul fair is, but there's something out there and it's got my attention. God works in extremely mysterious ways, and just when you think one thing is happening, the exact opposite happens. For example, if I was running and praying for healing for someone, and God asked me to witness to someone the Gospel...and I hesitated until the person left, but stopped hesitating when I thought that my calling at that time had the possible reward of my prayer being answered. This opened my eyes to how impious and disgusting my own personal belief is. I should love for love's sake, witness for love's sake and live for love's sake...directly, not indirectly.

I am annoyed by "new blogger"

And then there is the refraction of him. He pushed, he ran, he broke down, he failed, he accepted and finally he was given another chance. That is it in a nutshell anyway. I should be more elated than I am. I am happy for him. I am happy that his life has some direction, some meaning, when he claimed before that it had none. Yet I wonder, just how foul can this fairness be? How much more responsibility has he now than before I knew him. How much more ambiguity must I bring about in my life now or I will be a betrayer. Can measurement be put on one's love for another person? Is any amount of love ever enough? If I love him, then I love him. Should I love only him? How committed should I be? I am young yet, correct? I know how my parent's feel...they're edging me toward the door in hopes that I will be going on dates left and right with many different people, but at the same time they raised me not to be that kind of girl. Does it matter what they want at this point anyway? Not really, except I haven't really thought about what I want before. After spending years living up to other people's expectations, I don't think I'm ready to make decisions for myself.

And then I have to examine just when did the human race ever have to make decisions for itself? With every great calamity people have either laid down to die or risen to the occasion of work and living only to the extent to which they must survive. Quality of life, for most people, assuming "most people" spans the strata of history and bredth of the world, spend their lives trying to merely live. The decisions I find myself in a quandry over are pointless. Because as we know, foul is fair and fair is foul, so therefore the second we think we can make decisions, they're all taken away from us anyway in some great catastrophic event. Generally. But what about when someone decides to make the decision to give up the right to make decisions about the quality of life and join in the struggle for survival? Who would make such a decision? Why? When it gets down to it, it's not about us.

That's the greatest thing about stress. None of it matters. Nothing in this life really does matter. Because what is, simply is. And what isn't, isn't. It's not about us. Our decisions don't really matter. It isn't about following a series of clues laid down by a Divine being. It isn't about what we want or desire to do. Even though we do have "free will" the only choice we really have in life is whether we will enjoy it or not. And for me, I hope that I am ethical enough to feel that the only way I can enjoy life is if I am helping others who cannot realize that they can.




only then can I manipulate the masses into following me and my criminal mastermind.
my plot to take over the world shall be complete.

Our admirations of youth and resentment of old age may result from the emphasis in our culture on achievement: the tasks to be gained, the knowledge to be gained, the new frontiers to be mastered. Anything that represents flagging energy and waning ambitions obviously is out of step with the restless drive. But does the problem go deeper than that?

Consider, for example, the limited scope of human life. In childhood the life that lies ahead seems like an endless expanse with unlimited opportunities about which one can dream and hope while waiting for the slow passage of time. But as one grows older the years pass by more quickly and the range of opportunities becomes more narrow. There comes a crisis of middle age when, whether we want to or not, we must face the fact that many of the dreams of our childhood and youth will never be fulfilled. And in old age we have to come to terms with the fact that, for better or worse, we have spent our life-irrevocably and absolutely.

-Arne Unjhem, The Book of Revelation

I think that this is some of the best writing I've read in a while. However, I don't agree. I am young yet and I don't believe that one must ever realize their own mortality. I feel that it doesn't matter what we do, there is no way one can do everything. All ambitious people, myself included, want to do everything. One day I too will die. Right now, I need to continue filling out applications and create resumes. I must make money now. I must make money so that I can live in this world and stop being a leech. I am proud, to an extent of this step in my existence. However, I realize that this is all completely innocuous. The only thing that will ultimately matter is my own demise. Death is the one physical thing that unites all people regardless of when, where or how they lived. Each person on this earth will die. What Mr. Unjhem said about how one day we shall have a crisis when we realize that all of our childhood dreams cannot be fulfilled. I mean, yes, there's going to be a day...in fact, today I have realized that I am never going to become an astronaut. I could, yes certainly, change my life around and if I decided to be very focused, very pushy and play all of my cards right I might, if I started with this breath of air, be able to go to outer space someday. But what is the cost? If I do that, I will never write a symphony. I will have to teach myself not only alot of basic physics and chemistry principles, but shoot above and beyond the rest of the students my age for the one spot on the next space craft to go into space. Before that even happens, the national budget has to be changed around, which isn't even possible because this country is in more debt than there is money in the world. What room in a budget that is impossible is there for space exploration? I can, however, always admire the stars, perhaps read alot about their aspects, and never push things further than that? Am I settling for less...yes, I am. Is it wrong? No. It's not. There are some things that people should give up on. There are other things people shouldn't give up on.
People should give up on their ambitions sometimes. Sacrifices must be made in life. But the things you sacrifice for, those things must not be given up on. If I sacrifice everything for my children, I am investing in tomorrow. They may, with some help from me, realize the dreams I put off for their sakes. That is the joy that there is, or one of the joys at least, in having kids.

Although it doesn't really matter what chords I play or words I say or time of day it is. It's only a northern song.

I don't know anything. Yet, I do know a great deal more than alot of people, and I have a wealth of information at my disposal. The only way I can consider myself responsible is if I research things about the world, learn as much as I can, get a job and not go into alot of debt myself. Although what, in essence is so terrible about debt, as long as you do pay it off in the end.
America cannot pay it's debt off. So what can it do instead? Perhaps those that are in power understand that we have the most weapons and the most education. Therefore we must police the world. This is not fair. There are too many people in the world. We cannot be a single, global society. Because once we do become that we must war within one great institution rather than survive in groups. Perhaps I can gain some peace by telling myself it will all be over soon. If war comes to America, we will each be to blame, every single last one of us. The mother, the daughter, the teacher, the student, the parent, the child, the doctor, the patient...each one of us is responsible because we allowed this to happen.

The pride in this country is gone. During the Great Wars people looked back and said "Americans don't give up" because of the great heros of past wars. The great idea that democracy was. So many people in this country eke out a meager living at fast food places and doing janitorial work. Why are they to be blamed? They themselves could get themselves out of their situation, you say. They often are trying. They often are telling themselves that they need to work just a little harder, just a little longer, when in truth, they will never make it. Every unforeseen broken ankle, every unforeseen lay-off, each thing changes the outcome and makes it nearly impossible to go on. So we begin to hate one another and pick at the other assuming that, well, it was your fault because I was ambitious, I had drive, I was doing everything in my power to get ahead.

And then there's me. My ideal living situation is one of intellectual poverty. I don't need things, only a place to live, food and books. TPOTD. But that's me. Perhaps I support my undying wish to simply check out of the human race for a while. Power hungry money grubbers that they tend to be. It is my disgustedness with them that has caused this anguish within me, the disappointment in the way things are, my discontent with my fellow humans. That is what has caused my unhappiness. It isn't fair. It isn't good. It isn't right. Who am I to judge them?

And this is about his mother
Yet who are they to judge me? I am sick of being told that I am wrong, that I am unworthy, that I am pitiful, that I am trash. That is what they think, they of little faith. They feel that I am wrong because of the wrong actions that I take. I have done things that are wrong. I am sorry, but it is of no consiquence because the deed is done and they who are judgemental of me, namely his mother, feel that I am nothing. Even though I have forgiven others, I don't deserve to be forgiven because I have had no hurdles to jump in my life. I have had no social issues, I haven't fought mental illness. I have had nothing but people in my life who love me. I have never been abused. Therefore, when I do something wrong, it is unspeakable. I haven't been led astray, yet I have gone astray. That act, in her eyes, is unforgivable. I am trash. I am trash to be with him. Not only that, but I am Catholic to boot. Obviously I am a problem that can only be solved by being extracted from his life. Luckily the only one I answer to is Jesus. It hurts me that I cannot find His forgiveness in places that I would expect to. It hurts me that she or he or anyone will not forgive me my actions. It hurts me that they judge me without knowing me when I haven't judged anyone without getting to know them first. It hurts me that they would put to judgement who I am because of actions for which I am grieviously sorry. It hurts me that they would wish to slice me out of his life for fear of me doing it. It hurts me that there is so much hate and anger in this world. And the continuation of it makes it difficult to bear.


Fair is foul, foul is fair.