When David heard that Absolom was slain he went into the chamber over the gate and wept. "My son! My son! Oh my son! Absolom"

Worse than death,

This is just a blanket of thought. I am realizing the amount of work that must be done now. Just now. So late in the game this is. So late. I realize that it's not about me. It's just not about me. And, given my purpose, I'm glad that it isn't. I'm glad that it doesn't involve me at all, actually. I am happy to not be involved. But no, it won't stay that way. No it won't.
There is alot of hard, hard work ahead of me. There will be no room for pride things or for rotten problems of social stresses in this part of my life. There will be no room for the anger and depression that creep in so easily. There will be alot of room for joy, however, and joy will be the only thing that will keep us going when we do this. There is alot to think about.
Human cruelty is always a step and a half worse than we can imagine. The psychological shaming effect and the brute force aspects of human cruelty to one another have always been there, have always been ugly. What to do when peicing things back together? Has there ever been a great person who survived and lived yet to be great? Or is it in their greatness that they survived? Or do we now stand on the brink of a change in this regard, it will now be the survivors of horrors who come foreward to shine brighter than the rest of the toiling normal folk.

It is easily understood for me, and has been that there are some things that are worse than death. One of those things is shame. However, true shame and false shame are two different things. If you are a powerful person, and you abuse that power knowingly, living with that shame is far worse than being a survivor.
And in being a survivor, if you elicit power because of your status as a survivor, and not from your own merit to take others down, even if those others are the people who began it, there is a hint of truth in the shame aside from the false shame.
Bloviated, that is how I feel for making these judgements, but there is truth in them, truth that I believe.
I believe it is better to be shot dead than to kill others. Putting a price, whether a dollar amount or a status amount or even a life for life amount on another person is wrong. Is my life worth more than someone elses? Who can be the judge of that? Every minute of every day that one human interacts with another brings that person untold worth, sometimes not ever realized by anyone, for that interaction affects things subconsciously years and years down the road. Every memory that anyone in my life has had a part of: thousands and thousands of people for it includes all friends, family, acquaintances, people noted in passing, people on television, radio and internet, teachers, coworkers, pastors, priests, lunchladies, nuns...all of them: each has impacted my life in untold, unknown, unrealized ways. I know hardly any of them by name. The ones who affected me most, psychology teaches us, are the ones with whom we interact in our first three years of life. I can't remember anything from then. So, who would I be to shoot someone to save my own life? Whose father? Whose mother? Whose teacher? Whose coworker? Even the homeless on the street have affected my life so significantly, for even by just seeing them or speaking with them briefly, one can get a story or two, an experience which may prove to be incredibly important to me or someone else near me? Even experiencing those who have been imprisoned changes the perspective of someone? Knowing people who have real guilt for real offenses and real sorrow can prove to be incredibly important later on when needing to know what to and what not to do. When we kill one another we kill ourselves. When we kill one another, we kill the experiences that all the other thousands of people who will interact with the would-be deceased. There have been cases of human isolation. By killing one more person we cause them not to touch our lives as we ought. The guilt and shame of killing one another as people is one real and true guilt that shouldn't be borne by those who understand these things. Yes, death is a part of life. But life is a part of life and a much bigger part than death. And there is good in everything, even the most evilest-seeming things because at least then, in the face of all that is truly horrible, all that is truly evil, all that is truly frightening and terrifying, we are reminded as people that we are people, we are reminded in our hearts by the horror of it all. And from there, we can continue to further all that is good in this world. From there we have more reason to stand for all that is right and noble. There is never a moment in a person's life at which they can change the past. And if they use that past for the nobility of the future, then they too are noble. Then they too are human, then they too have triumphed over all the evilest, all that is horrible. They then become the protectors of the world.
Today I watched a film on the Soviets and Nazi Germany. The cross between vengeance and justice...who can be blamed? Why did this happen? What are we to do now? Those were darker times than even we realize today, I feel. Very, very dark times for Europe and Russia. Stalin's days, the paranoia, it makes me feel that even as ugly as the slavery in America in the South was, as ugly as it was, at least they could sing. At least there was an underground that sprung up that allowed hope for some, and the people being persecuted, they had spirit within them enough to try to run. Who ran in Soviet Russia? Why such an iron arm there?
What good is there in Russia that is untapped? What nobleness? What greatness? I am sure that it is there. I am convinced of this. Where there has been great misery, there will be greater joy. Where there has been great hardship, there will be greater survival. Where there has been evil, there will be greater good.

If only I hadn't been a fool.

Foolishness. That is all that it amounts to.
One must be foolish to feel.
Love, anger, piety, faith, friendship.
Feeling anything is sheer foolishness.

If I were my heart, I would stop beating around the bush.

"The greatest loss to mankind is that so many people, living in mediocrity come to the end of their lives with their song still in them." Apparently an artists named Tara Argall wrote that. She left it at Babb's coffee place where I went after work today. I feel like complaining about my life, but I know very well, at least I think it is anything but mediocre. I believe my life has been exceptional. If I had to relive it, yes, I would change some things, but it is a great blessing that I cannot. The desire to change those things is the trademark of Regret, who is an unwanted bedfellow. However, if Regret had never visited me, it would mean either that I had not learned from the mistakes I'd made or was an arrogant person who didn't see them as mistakes at all.
The innocent ones I see. Age does not take your innocence. It is pride. Pride can be mended. This I know. There is no such evil as there is in someone who knows and does not question something, however good that something is. It isn't faithlessness to question. It is a virtue. To have faith is to have faith enough to seek. The one that is always seeking finds the Truth. Those who decide that they've had enough, that they don't need to question anymore, they never find the Truth. The Truth is found in the action of seeking. That is what I am trying to say. When someone comes to the end of their life with their song still in them, they have not rejoiced. They have not loved.

What bloviated tune am I whistling? What kind of hypocrite am I? For me to pontificate thus, I am obviously the one who is the prideful one. However, can you not see?

Have you ever lied to protect a friend? For example, have you ever been in love with the same person as your best friend? And did you lie about it because you didn't want her to be hurt or jealous or feel threatened? Didn't want it to drive you apart? Did you ever love someone so much that you glow inside just to think of him? Did you ever neglect something important in your life because you were afraid of letting it out? Have you seen the path in front of you that you much desired to take, but didn't because someone else might get hurt? Have you?

Have you ever been afraid of someone you love? Have you ever loved the sort of person who confides in you because they trust you? Have you ever loved a friend so much, even when she would show her emotional claws and fangs because you knew they were only there because of her scars? Have you ever loved a friend so much, even when she would say mean things about other people she was intimidated by...old roommates and friends from high school...and looked away because you accept her faults along with all you love about her? Have you ever had a sister that wasn't your sister? I say again, have you ever loved someone who confides in you, who trusts you...and lied to them because you didn't want to hurt them?

Have you ever said mean things about someone you were in love with, behind their back, to hold up the wall of deceit that you'd built? And then did she confront him with her feelings, while you stayed silent? And did she confide in you how she loved him, every word like a dagger in your heart for weeks and weeks and weeks, never ending? And yet, when she was crushed because he did not feel the same way, did you do your best to comfort her?

Did you run from your feelings because the whole situation was too big and too complicated? Did you use someone else as a safehaven, as a wall, as an excuse to not feel what was truly in your heart? Did you run from your feelings, build a wall in between you and them, and then, by lying to everyone...even to yourself...begin to believe that those feelings were not behind that wall?

Did it torture you to do so? Did the whole situation torture you?


And then, finally, did you turn your eyes toward the heavens, praying to your Father for some sort of direction in this mess? And then, did you go to his church, the Harvest, and hear the Word preached about how you need to be honest with God and with others? Did you learn it is not good to hide everything in fear and shame like Adam and Eve hid? Did that wall come tumbling down on you? But then, when you were free from the rubble of a messed up situation, did you know, for certain that your one true love is Jesus Christ who saved you? And did you know that His Truth and His Glory are the only things that truly matter? And then did you know that you have purpose in this life far beyond the reaches of this fear? And do you know that God has a plan for you that maybe doesn't have anything to do with this guy or this girl, these friends? And do you know that when you fall in love and you do not love for your own gain that it glorifies God? And do you know that you love both of your friends and they deserve to know the truth of what is in your heart because just as you want to be close to God, and are honest with God you want to be close to both of them and can't because you've been lying and deceitful even though it was well meaning it was wrong and you have to tell them and ...

You tell her. And she is stung. And it hurts her to her core. And you are so ashamed of your lies to her that you just want to die.

But then, do you remember that there is a purpose, that God's truth is in honesty and that He has set the place and the time, and that He has said, "Do not dwell in the darkness of your lies anymore. Tell the truth, be free of this. Live in my love, child of God. The peacemakers are children of God. You cannot be a peacemaker until you have peace within yourself."

And then you realize that love is good. That she should be highly honored because you carried such a burden on her behalf for so long to protect her because you loved her. She should be even more highly honored that you love her so much you will face the thing that has been haunting you for months. And so should he.

It's time to plan

So, if I get married, I want to also have the theme from "The Good the Bad and the Ugly" played at dinner. I think I'd like lemon pepper chicken and some sort of noodle with alfredo. As well as probably Beatles, but some Sly and the Family Stone. Definately George Harrison. But part of the problem is that alot of the music I listen to isn't dancing music. I like to swing dance.
I'd like to have a really pretty dress and a veil. I can't think along these lines though. Thinking too much about getting married before you're actually dating someone only leads down a road of self-pity and fear. If I remain single forever, I could be happy. I could get a cheap little apartment somewhere and live alone. I'd have dinner parties. I'd take care of myself. Sometimes, on really really romantic nights, I salsa dance with my confusion.