Purpose

I have decided that this blog is going to be a blog about self discovery now. I know it is for silly crazy rants and that sometimes I will have to let my fingers go still, but I'm in need of finding a new purpose.

I have a few goals this summer. 1) Lose 30 lbs. 2) Become more organized (get in the habit of getting a clean room) and (3) Call friends more, be more social.

Those are my goals. For the summer and now I think part of this blog's new purpose will be to rat on myself if I don't own up to them.

That being said, it is now 3pm and I'm just waking up. Yesterday was a tough day. I had to hurt someone close to my heart. I broke up with him. While I do respect him and care for him deeply, he and I were not communicating, even when we were both in the room together facing each other trying to use our words, it was like we spoke different languages. Our approach to life is so drastically different.

I learned a lot about myself because of this failed love though. I learned that I despise being vulnerable in any capacity, and that feeling vulnerable causes me to obsessively worry about my vulnerability and get into a depressed funk. I learned that the me I envision myself to be and the me I am are not the same person. I learned that most music makes me depressed instead of inspired like it should. I learned the value of taking relationships slow, letting him in inch my inch instead of by storm. I learned that sometimes you have to be the bad guy and it sucks to do the breaking because even though you care a lot about someone, it simply will not work and eventually that will come to the surface, so the choice is either to hurt now or to hurt later, and the longer you wait the more it will hurt.

I am going to use this time to be single and to work on myself. I'm not swearing-off dating, but honestly, I think I have had enough of the dating world for a while. When you are dating, it is often said that you have to take a 'leap of faith' and offer up your heart and it seems clear to me that I for some reason am apparently incapable of doing that. It is the vulnerability problem described above. Either that or my heart-leap legs got chopped off in a tragic relationship-cultivating farming accident when the passion tractor ran me over.