Fair

Foul. It's hard to explain. I went to Julliard's webpage. Part of me says "Kristen, why didn't you try?" Why didn't I try? Why didn't I reach for the stars. At least I could have said that I missed. Monty's happy enough with me. And I really do love singing. But only 8% of all the applicants get in! I mean, I'm a good singer. But I would have had to be training for far longer than 2 1/2 years to go THERE. I look at that and I wonder...dang...did I miss my chance for greatness?
And then of course I regain my own dignity (in my head) by telling myself that by going to a small, private, liberal arts school that I am truly exploring life and that there I will be able to really live my dream instead of becoming a performer. But what about performance? Am I suited to it?
I live to perform. I truly feel that I am really living when I'm performing. But I don't think I'm cutthroat enough to go into the performance business. Offstage, they have to put up with so much crap. People who jerk their chains and people who try to jerk their chains, but don't. And how could I tell the difference?
Everyone loves the limelight. Everyone loves attention. But I think the attention that I perfer more than any is just to be enjoyed by my friends. To make those people laugh. That's what I really enjoy the most.
So I'm thinking I'll be a teacher. I think it's only natural that I want to be a teacher. I think that it is because teaching makes you stronger....and when you teach, really you're always learning. And also, teaching touches lives. Forever. I want to help other people to grow.
Sigh. But what if everyone hates me? What if I find my life a sham and find that no matter what kind of beginning I had that I am a failure, and have been, and always will be a failure. Because it seems that no matter how hard I push, I always could have pushed a little harder in hindsight.
And right now, I've got no place to talk of pushing because I have let myself go. Bad Krystn!
Heavy Sigh.