I know he doesn't see.

I know he doesn't know either. He's so far off. But it's hard now. I love him. Part of me feels like I'm lying. Part of me knows that I cannot hold this love anymore. But part of me wants to see him more than anything. I want to wish him a happy 18th. I want to tell him good luck after graduation. I want to know if he's available. I want to see him again. And part of me thinks that that's ok. Part of me knows it's not. Because what if he's still seeing her? What if he's in love with her? What if she's the one for him. I don't know. I never will, will I??? Unless, unless I were to write him. Am I willing to take that leap? Yes. Am I willing to break my heart again? Yes. He was worth it.
But maybe I shouldn't get in his way. Maybe. Maybe if we're really really meant to be together we will be. I have to just trust that. If we're really meant to be together we will be. And no amount of me thinking about it will change that.
And if we're not meant to be together, forcing it will just make it worse.
But I love him.
But I can't.
He's so far.
He chose her...she must be incredible.
Either she is really incredible, or the distance was just too much for him.
Either the distance was too much for him or maybe I'm not as incredible.
Or, maybe he's not the romantic that I thought he was.
How could that be though? After the things we said, the things we promised one another? How can it be that he isn't?
Because he was. He was everything. I didn't deserve him. I wasn't ready.
I wish I could see him again. I remember praying that I could see him one last time so I could tell him goodbye.
And I did.
But now, months later, I have this relapse where I just can't stop thinking about him. Maybe it's because prom came and went. Maybe it's because many of my friends are dating now and pharimones are flying. Maybe it's all the roses everywhere before graduation. Maybe it's just spring. Whatever it is, it's unbearable. And hopeless. And it stings.
And then there's leaving home. Leaving home for college. Breathe. I just really want to see him that's all. I just really want to hold him and forgive him and love him. Maybe I should tell him that. Maybe I should let him know. I remember how I cried that day. I remember how I called my best friend right after we broke up and she helped me get through it. I remember seeing him in everything. I still do. Every time I look at the stars and think of the kiss. Every time the wind blows I hear his name. Every time the sun shines in the blue sky I see his eyes. Unto the insanity that now infiltrates my being and takes over. A little obsessed? Hardly.
I stare at the keyboard tears in my face, and feel nothing. My fingers are electrified with a rage only known to those who know betrayal and heartbreak. A rage only known to young romantics who let the romance become cynicism.
I know he doesn't see, or understand. I know he doesn't feel what I feel. Maybe he's just not as romantic as I was. As I assumed he was.
Fair is foul
Foul is fair.
Hover through fog and filthy air.