I was asked to answer a series of questions by a friend because I feel the drenching dregs of winter and that the marrow of life has been sucked from my bones as of late. The first of the questions was, "What made me happy before?" Happiness being not yet defined, I think I shall seek the help of a dictionary. Because what exactly is happiness anyway?! I think the best the dictionary did was "Enjoying, showing, or marked by pleasure, satisfaction, or joy." Pleasure is something I used to get from a good cup of coffee; participating in a long, meaningful conversation; reading a good book; listening to and making music of all kinds; petting, walking or brushing the dog; baking things or simply going for a long walk. I used to find satisfaction upon the completion of things which gave me pleasure, and also upon the completion of things like cleaning, helping someone, or running. I found profound joy in worship, friendship, and the love of my family.
The second question I was asked to answer was "What good and bad things happened this year" This year I met the love of my life, I composed three new songs, I wrote endless poems and blogged and did things in books. I learned to think differently. I learned what it means to be there for people who are truly suffering. But to ask what good things happened perhaps means more, what things of good fortune happened this year to me. And to answer that question: not alot. I am not one to complain about things though. That's the problem. It isn't as if I live in third world country and everyone I know is dying of aids. It isn't as if I am likely to starve to death. I am getting an incredible education at a fantastic school. I have a plethora of people who love me. I am a white American in her late teens, meaning I am young, rich and powerful. I have never been admitted to a hospital for any reason except when I was born and when I had my wisdom teeth out, but neither of those experieces were illness or injury and I'm not even sure that the wisdom teeth thing was in a hospital. My life is f***ing fantastic. Who the hell am I to complain about it?
Still, I'm trying to wrack my brain for events which have happened this past year that have been particularly fortunate and I'm still not coming up with anything. The best I can do is come up with bad things that didn't happen. This is not good. I just haven't had a particularly fortunate year. Bleh. No. I won't take it for granted. That's wrong.
But what bad things happened this year?! I don't mind complaining I guess...bleh. bleh bleh bleh.
My best friend almost died, my parents are facing financial lows they've never faced before as well as the ensuing maritial problems, I found out one of my deepest crushes has had a much more troubled life than I could possibly imagine, I found out my other best friend was abused as a child, as well as someone else I've bonded with alot. A certain family member of mine is severely depressed and has been cutting. Actually...you know..that's all that comes to mind. Dad broke his wrist. It's really not all that bad. Amanda pulled out of her illness, Kevin continues to deal with life, as do Amber and Dawn, I think Melissa is doing better too. I can't say much for my parents though. I don't quite know how to stomach it because I don't live with them anymore.
"How did/do I feel about life?" was the third question. How did I feel about life before? I wasn't always happy, but I felt that life was ultimately about doing what God wants and not what I want. I was rather ambitious, I would have ups and downs, rants and raves, times where I could laugh until I cried, and times I would cry, but then feel better. I've always feared failure, I've always considered independence to be important. I wrote in my journal a mission statement, once, when I was much younger:
"I am a positive young woman with a bright future, with talent and spirit. I refuse to complain, I refuse to control, I refuse to give up. I will try my hardest at everything I do..."
Yet all of this has changed now. I am too old to keep the attitude I had and too young to merit hopelessness so I am stuck in a limbo of not being allowed to think anything, to feel anything or to be anything anymore. I am not a positive young woman anymore. I am rather a pessimistic old buffoon. My immediate future is far from bright, my talents are far inferior to those around me. My refusal to complain hasn't made me stronger in the least, refusing to control...I don't even know what I meant by that now, and I've given up on so many people at so many times about so many things that even that seems to be a complete and total fantasy of my past. Erg. What is this? How do I feel about life now? I think I pretty well summed it up. Lathargic, even to the point at which cynical humor is just mildly entertaining. I am beginning to feel as if the only real joys I'm getting from life are coming from Amanda and Kevin. This is not good. Oh, no, I know that this is not good. But what exactly can I do about this?
How do I feel about myself? I don't think I'm all that horrible of a person or anything. I merely realize that I'm not worth as much as I thought I had been. Human worth is immeasurable, and regardless of how worthless I may feel, I retain some worth by merely living. I realize that. I also realize that my life isn't mine to take, that this wave of dispair can and will pass and that if I was faced with my own mortality, there are alot of things about this life that I would miss. I feel that the best things about myself are things that I have allowed to die, and the worst things about myself: my obnoxiousness, my selfishness, my inherant ability to hurt the feelings of the people I care about, and the fact that I'm completely irresponsible and incapable of accomplishing anything important, and the fact that I was completely full of myself and my perfect f***ing life and my perfect f***ing abilities and friends and likes and how when it all fell apart I had little to no integrity about it and allowed it to drag me into the current state of my being, those things are the things that prevail in my life now.
What am I passionate about now? Sleep. Kevin and Amanda. God. Probably in that order, which I know is completely disjointed, twisted and perverse. Music doesn't matter. Classes don't really matter. It is one in the morning...nearing two. I don't want to go to bed because I don't want to wake up tomorrow. So what have I to do?

Fair is foul, foul is fair.