I think that this is the point at which we must all realize that everything is alright and nothing bad can happen. This is my blog. I have a multitude of things that aren't right in my life anymore. You might say that life simply hit me on the head with a hammer. Finally.
But aside from all the therapeutic whining and complaining, I've decided to fully comply with the requests of me. I have to get things done. I have to get a move on with my life and stop some of the foolish nonsense that has dominated me since my younger years. Silly people.

Theologically it's easier because I've realized that it doesn't really matter at all. If it's about God, then it's about God. At least it's not about us. Giving a Divine reason for life being as it is helps a lot of things immensely, but even if when it doesn't...it's still just not about us.

The narcissists in the group cringe.

The only thing that I've found to be true is that, generally speaking, the most meaningful and deepest beauty in this world is found in the foulest and most ugly things sometimes. And often, what the general populous accepts as beautiful can generally be some of the most disgustingly foul things in existence. Take whatever example you will, I shall armor myself in ambiguity and silence.

The roles are that of the following: there is the role of the caretaker and that of the afflicted. The afflicted can be that of mind, body or spirit; likewise the caretaker may be a healer of one of those things. This caretaker is absent in my life because my own biggest affliction is my desire to continue being afflicted at the expense of myself, for fear of the caretaker wasting his or her time. I feel much more comfortable taking on the role of caretaker than that of the afflicted (naturally no one wishes to be afflicted, but some find it easier than facing life because of fear of responsibility)

Speaking of fear of responsibility, a side note for parents: This is a crazy and dangerous world. You are responsible for your children. The desk workers at hotels, maintenance guys at pools, and servers at restaurants are not and should not be your replacements. Places that you take respite in are not to be abused or taken to be daycare. Thank you.

So much has changed. Such is life, you might say, but the issues I touch on must be left ambiguous. This is ultimately because of fear of what others think. I may not be as definitive as I once was because the age of figuring out who or what I should be should be past. But it is not. Quite contrarily, I haven't the foggiest. All I know is that I still enjoy a lot of the things I once did, and cannot continue doing them because of the paralyzing fears that have entered my life. It is easy enough to say "just forget them" but after looking at things on the larger scale, the little things don't matter. Little things like career and future and family lose their meaning. Perhaps my growing religion has been a bit of a cop-out. It seems that the world is ending...what worth does my major hold anyway. I can't help thinking that thought sometimes.

I feel that devotion isn't an easy thing. Becoming motivated by any sort of divine power is the most difficult way to become motivated...because the expectation is endless, the disappointment is endless when you fail, yet the forgiveness and ability to continue going is also endless. Therefore, because of the endlessness of expectation, there is no greater fear than failing. And even when you fail God, you may not lay down and simply allow oneself to be a failure, you're expected to pick up and begin again and again and again and again. There is no room for laziness, even in failure. By this token, to be religiously devoted causes you ultimately to change your lifestyle. It is the most difficult task any human being can accomplish, in fact, it cannot be accomplished. It is an ongoing action, which never ends, not even in death.
Yet devotion to God is a cop-out for so many people. We begin to believe (and I include myself in this one) that the end is near enough that there is nothing that can be done. We see things as impossible to change except by God's will and we forget that there are tasks at hand. Being truly devoted means also acts of service, not simply saying one will someday and procrastinating, but beginning it today. I should really follow my own doctrine. I am a hypocrite along with the others. I enjoy Church and worship, I pray fervently outside of church. I firmly believe that God is the only reason life is worth living. I am willing to work hard. But then I don't. I just don't do anything. This is about to change. I cannot continue to live as idly as I have. Tomorrow, as it is 2:13 am now though, will have to be the time for it. Now it is time for bed for me.

Except I cannot end my rant there. I am a bit of a religion fanatic these days. It is only for the greater glorification of God alone. I'm constantly searching my conscience for reasons why this has come about. I'm constantly looking to figure out why suddenly religiousness has taken root in my life. I don't want it to be my drug. I don't want it to be for attention. I certainly don't want it to be me living up to someone's expectations, with the sole exception of God. Trust me that I am asking those questions of myself. Before I became this way, I felt that people were religious because of some sort of emptiness in their life from some tragic event that must have happened, or perhaps they were brainwashed by society, or raised that way by their parents. Yet, I look at the people that seem to make up the population. I look at the extent of abuse in America, I look at parents that I see in my workplace, I look at parents from my home community and the more I look, the more I realize how much less most parents seem to care about their children than I believe they should. Perhaps this is why I find myself hesitant to enter into any sort of relationship with any sort of heterosexual male. I don't want to become like them.

Speaking of us and them:
I've surprised myself, how much I've become one of the brainless enemies of my past. I see the traits found in them and the traits in us.

The "us" traits in my mind were always those of artistic fanatics, charged by intellectual individualism, with a confident, yet unique view on things.
The "them" traits were those of general pop culture. Those who worship sex and violence but not in an intellectual enough way to realize the primalness of it, only to feel.

They are opposite sides of the spectrum I suppose. Nobody wants to be completely detached from their primal impulses. It is innate within us all to want to be violent when angry, regardless of how much we may suppress it, and it is innate within all of us to be sexual, even in the most innocent or watered-down of ways. I think that my problem is that I detach myself and find myself, oddly, most attracted to others who have also detached themselves from those impulses.

I feel in many ways that I am past the point at which I was ever attractive to anyone. Perhaps this isn't a bad thing.